Lowpoint

First of all, I’d love to go Marit and thanks for your ode!

I love you a lot and ofcourse I got you out of there.

I’m plotting cruel revenge towards who ever did this to you.

Second, I hate the world today.

Atm everything seems to be heading down.

I had a rough week, dealing with stress, impossibilities and lots of negative thoughts. I woke up 5am this morning.

I went outside, smoked a sigarette, and facebooked a little. It’s 8 'o clock now, and still not fallen back to sleep.

I’m free today, so this sucks. I don’t feel like seeying this day. I want to sleep through it. I’m glad I can hear my roommate walking around the appartment, that means he’ll be at school today. I dont feel like dealing with him right now. We’re in a fight. Or atleast, he’s in a fight with me. He hates the fact that i’m always gone, with friends, or hidden in one of my rooms. I understand, because my abcense isnt what he had in mind when we moved in together. I’m not sure what exactly was in mine when I moved out of my parents place.

What I hoped for was peace and quiet. Being able to do, or don’t, whatever I wanted.

Sleep 3 days, skip school, make my own life heaven or hell. Learn from it.

But I wanted to be in charge of it all.

And I’m not, because he wants to be. I feel claimed, its making me rebel a lot towards him by being a bad friend.

I have to talk to him, but I dont even know where to begin.
I’m keeping quiet right now, I dont want him to know i’m up.
He’ll come to my room, asking me my dayplans, just to confirm to the both of us that those plans shouldnt be my priorities, and that they include me being gone again. I’m tired of it. Tired of a lot of things. I miss the fun we used to have. All I feel like is sleeping now.
I know my depression is heading up again, and I’m still trying to run from it, but one of these days it will catch up with me again. Hopefully I can shake it off within a week.

Some optimistic news:

I want a tattoo. I’ve been wanting one for a long time, but something special, and i just couldnt find the one.
But now I did. I love this!!

The appartment is getting quiet.
I’m gonna wait a little longer te be sure he’s out, before showing my face.

F. asked me to send him links of songs I listen to a lot when i’m home.
I’ll post some here aswell.

Have an awesome 19th of november.  (:

(I made that videoclip a few years ago, haha, it features a young Marit and a young me)

RUSSIAN SURVIVAL

Our rendez-vous yesterday:

I arrived at Utrecht CS to meet up with Marit. 

She had just biked her way from school to the city of Utrecht, in the storm!

Usually we run at eachother and hug like we haven’t seen eachother in years, but this time we both stumbled forward and just leaned a little.

We were completely frozen, below temperature..

We wanted to smoke first, to catch our breaths a little and relax, but the entire station is a non-smoking zone, obviously.

So again, we went out in the blizzard to light a cigarette.

We could barely take one out of the packages, because our hands were completely numb. And when we tried lighting them, the wind kept blowing out the fire. We ended up there for atleast 20 minutes.

Marit

Zombies: Lotte and Marit

We got back in ‘Hoog Catarijne’ (which is the shopping area of Utrechts station hall) like bluelipped scarecrows and walked right into the first store we saw, simply for the warmth. Its crazy how miserable real cold can make you feel.

Desperately we headed for the free coffee zone, when we came across the liqor.

We both stopped, and stared at it for 5 minutes.

Lotte: "That will make us warm."

Marit: "You're absolutely right..."

Lotte: "Russians do it all the time in winter."

Marit: "Haha, maybe it’s their way of survivling the cold."

Lotte: "Yeah. Russian survival."

Marit: "You get the Martini, I’m getting us something to eat."

So, five minutes later, were walking through Hoog Catarijne with Martini in our bags, and chocolate between our teeth.

Since public drinking is illegal, we headed for the station restrooms. (really clean and quite big, not as gross at it sounds) and bundled up close to eachother in a restroom.

Marit

Lotte

While drinking and making random pictures, a women starts pounding on the door, yelling at us to get out immidiately. We made up the first thing that came to our minds, and told her we couldn’t, because I was feeling sick, and was throwing up. (faking barfsounds) But she demanded us to come out.

We hid the bottle, and came out. I pretended to feel very sick.

It appeared that a women who was peeing in the cabin next to us, saw the flashes of my camera, and thought we had photographed HER, with the intentions of putting it on internet. WTF??

We assured her no such thing happened and continued our little restroomparty.

Moments later, warmed up and a bit tipsy, we headed for the H&M to take a look at the new collection.

Crazy as Marits plans always are, she came up with the idea of picking out the worst outfit ever for eachother, and of course put it on. I called it a plan.

Guess what? We kind of pulled it off and we matched. We laughed so hard.

Unfortunately, the employees didn’t laugh and their eyes demanded us to leave. So we did, and went to the trains.

Marit had homework and I had a kitchen to clean up before my roommate would come home.

We said our goodbyes, and owned another afternoon of kiddish stupidity, to BLOG in stead of forget eventually.

It was fun. (:

Clouds.

I was wrong.
The second I was covered by sheets, my energy activated.
My body is tired, but my mind is at full speed.

I wish I was immune to feelings, but being a borderliner makes it hard to shut down emotions.
It’s really hard to feel such intense insecurity, pain, doubts, and more, while you know its not realistic to feel that way.
I know I aimed to high when we started dating. I’ll name him Javi for ease.
I know he already had his fun, and is trying to let me down gently.
And I would love, LOVE, to think: So? I had my fun aswell. Moving on!
But I can’t. All I want is for him to call me and comfort me.

A DJ asked me out today named Ty. He also studies arts, he’s 23, and pretty darn attractive.
We met last weekend in a club.
I said yes, without thinking, because I was upset about Javi, and mad at him.
We exchanged numbers, and were going out in a few days.

I quess I should be excited about that, but i’m in no mood of forcing smiles.

Its easy for me to get myself excited about things, but its always in the bad way.
Right now I could get excited about getting really drunk, high, dance, and lose myself in distractions.
That would really excite me.
And I can. Its only a phonecall away.
But I have to stop my selfdestructive behavior.

I’ll try to calm down a little, listen some music, and try to get some sleep.
Gotta get up early…