Bonding time part 2

My mom is behind her TV right now, and I have to walk the dog.
In the pouring rain.

Seriously, am I exaggerating or is this unfair? I cooked and cleaned already, and had a very busy day. She ignored my effords to have some family time, and now she’s gone again.

I really don’t get her sometimes. I’m trying to think of things that would make her behaviour logical. I know she had a pretty tough childhood, and never learned to express love very well, but she does hang out with my older sisters, and is very close with them. So it has to be me. But there is nothing I ever did to piss her off this badly. Never. It’s like she just can’t get along with me, and just cuts me off a little. I don’t want to be bff’s with her, but I would like a mom. Have girltime, conversations, maybe go shopping.. It kind of hurts. Because it’s just me. She shops and chats with my sisters all the time..

I never know if I should get really angry at her about it, or put it on myself.
Well, atleast I think I deserve some mice help, and a fairy godmother if I have to be cinderella over here.
I’m gonna drink up my wine, put on music, and go jogging outside.
It doesnt matter how long I’ll be out. I’ll get soaking wet anyway, so whatever.

Second star to the right

I did it.

Cleaned the place and stayed in. so far.

I just got out of the shower.
I think I’ve been in there for more than an hour.

I turned off the lights in the bathroom, put on 2 candles, and made the hot water run.
The bathroom filled up with steam, and eventhough the water was pretty loud, it sounded like silence.

In stead of standing, I sat down on the floor and let the water wash away every thought in my mind.
Complete peace! I must have been in some sort of trance, cause the time went by really fast, without really doing anything,
besides watching my fingers wrinkle and play with hair strings.
I imagined being in a rainforest, laying underneath little waterfalls.
I used to do that all the time when I was little. I took every bottle of shampoo, conditioner or soap,
to smell it, and imagine flowers all around me that went with the type of scent.

I’m laying on my bed with my laptop now. I smell and feel great, and very clean.  
And I didnt think it was possible, but i’m tired!

Like I was sleeping in the shower, had to wake up to put clothes on, and want to go back to sleep now.

I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH

Lotte:

It’s 22:00 and i feel like i just woke up, to be ready for the day. Which kind of already ended.

My sleeping rythm is so distorted. If i’m smart, i’d clean up, prepare my things for tomorrow, and go to bed to wake up earlier than noon. But every bone in my body wants to get out of this appartment and go for a ride with who ever to where ever. Especially now that I called him after all. And he didnt answer or called me back.

I feel claustrofobic by my walls. I don’t want to sit here, feeling wide awake, and torture myself with an empty room and my negative thoughts about situations.

Going out is bad because:
* it’s raining.
* i’ll be home real late again.
* I’d have to shower and dress up first, and its already ten oclock. on a wednesday.
* I have to get up early.

Going out is good because:

* I’ll get my mind off of mister manly man.

* I’m out of cigarettes and Charlie has plenty

* He wants to teach me how to drive his crappy old car, which should be fun

 

I’ll get over myself and just stay in.
This would be taking advantage of him. Though I know he wouldn’t even care.
I’m gonna let him ride the night alone this time, and try to do good.

SO, the plan will be:
Cleaning out the rooms, take a long shower, drink tea and stuff to calm and tire me down.
And sleeeep.

Wish me luck.