as cozy as barbed wire.

I woke up today, by my mom who kept shouting: LOTTE!!! Get up!!!
I seriously HATE her voice in the morning.
It makes me wanna break windows.
Why the hell would I wanna be awake so early?

I think I need a new name. One that’s not all worn out from being called so much.

So slowly I got up, hating myself for accepting their offer to stay with my parents for a while. And without thinking, I start looking for my pack of sigarettes. I’m always craving for nicotine in the morning, more than any part of the day.
And I suddenly remember that I quit smoking. So dad will buy me a laptop.

It was hell.
Stuck with a nicotinelack, my mom and her voice in one house. Dear Lord. We got in a huge fight.

 She shouted she was gonna take me back to Rotterdam first thing tomorrow. And I shouted that she didn’t have to bother, cause I was already packing. As usual, it started about nothing and ended with me slamming doors, leaving, and my mom following me, apologising just to make ME apologise aswell.

I really feel like typing this intire blog full of things that seriously BUG me about her. I’d rather say hate, and type my frustrations out, but I don’t want her to ever read this, and feel hurt by it. So i’ll just cope. And focuss on better things.

So, let me think.. What was good about this day?
The food I just cooked was really really good.
The sigarette I secretly smoked was even better.
I look pretty good today, though it’s pointless
because I have no plans today and no one will see me.
I found a 10 euro bill on our driveway.

That was about it.

You know what?
I won’t accept. I’m refusing to let this be a sucky day aswell. I’m going to get chocolate and movies and SIGARETTES MUAHAHA no I can’t. And bake cookiesss and I’m calling Ty for a lovely night! Save the day!

Bonding time part 2

My mom is behind her TV right now, and I have to walk the dog.
In the pouring rain.

Seriously, am I exaggerating or is this unfair? I cooked and cleaned already, and had a very busy day. She ignored my effords to have some family time, and now she’s gone again.

I really don’t get her sometimes. I’m trying to think of things that would make her behaviour logical. I know she had a pretty tough childhood, and never learned to express love very well, but she does hang out with my older sisters, and is very close with them. So it has to be me. But there is nothing I ever did to piss her off this badly. Never. It’s like she just can’t get along with me, and just cuts me off a little. I don’t want to be bff’s with her, but I would like a mom. Have girltime, conversations, maybe go shopping.. It kind of hurts. Because it’s just me. She shops and chats with my sisters all the time..

I never know if I should get really angry at her about it, or put it on myself.
Well, atleast I think I deserve some mice help, and a fairy godmother if I have to be cinderella over here.
I’m gonna drink up my wine, put on music, and go jogging outside.
It doesnt matter how long I’ll be out. I’ll get soaking wet anyway, so whatever.

Bonding time?

I’m with my mom right now. She went to the bathroom, so i’m quickly typing this blog.
My mom and I don’t get along at all. Not since I turned 14/15.
We became two completely different persons. She relays on facts, and is quite pessimistic. I’m more of a feelingsperson, and not very rational.

I’m trying to fill her glass of wine every time she doesnt look, so she might loosen up a little haha. But I don’t think my efforts are working. We dined together after I cooked, and I made the table look all fancy with candles and stuff.. But she turned on the regular lights, and started eating without much of a converstaion.

Oh she’s back.

and she’s asking me to clean the kitchen right now.
Okay, well bonding time was a fail.