dinsdag 14 december 2010

Tuesdaymorning snow is fallin’

Finally, internet.
My laptop completely crashed 2 weeks ago.
I’m scared to look at the big pile of mail I probably have.
My hands are frozen, and it’s making it hard for me to type properly. I’m at school right now. Haven’t been here for ages. I’ts become normal to me to be greeted cheerfull by teachers, because they haven’t seen me for so long. They no longer get mad at me, they greet me like: omg hi!! how have you been doing?? like i graduated and am visiting the school or something. But now it’s gone too far and I know it.
Da Vinci College. my school.

The moment I stepped in the building, a teacher came to me and said: ‘we’ve gotta talk.’ But he’s not actually lessoning me so i’m not sure what he wants to talk about. I’ll find out in a bit.
So many things distract me.
-All the guys in this classroom are wearing hats and caps.
-The paintings on the wall made by students suck.
-I’m counting 4 unibrows.
-The girl oppisite me would be pretty without her second chin.
-I need a manicure.
-these tables are filthy.
-Someone tried to burn this pc, it’s half black and melted.
-A teacher keeps walking around, circling me.
I’m nervous.
Through my headache and exhaustion I have to find a way to turn all the teachers hate for my bad behaviour into love, finish some assignments, and find an internship. If I pull that off today, I’m really good.
So, suck it up and go for it Lotte.
Finish this for once and for all.

If I have no interest in finishing this for myself, I might aswell do it for all my friends who keep encouraging me to try to finish it. I know they’re all right, and I would be happy about not wasting 4 years for nothing. It’s just that I can’t think of something I cared so less about at the moment.
I’ve been isolating myself again the last couple of weeks. Little contact with my friends, lots of sleep, and lots of nightmares again. Even while sleeping at Ty last night.
I dreamed about my mom, she brought a man into our house, who wasn’t human, but a sort of demon. I didn’t know, so I came up to him to greet him, but he grabbed my shoulders and looked right at me with big white eyes. He started mumbling something in a language I couldn’t understand.
My mom pulled me away from him, and told me not to touch or talk to him. She had brought him to clean the thoughts in my mind, and to perform a sort of exorsism on two friends of mine, who I had to bring over that very night.
She also told me he could be really dangerous, but he was on a sort of contract, so he wasnt alowed to hurt any of us.

I don’t remember the next scene but I do remember later in that dream, that I was laying in bed. Looking around my dark room. I felt something was wrong. I was trying to calm myself. And suddenly, out of a dark corner, the demonman ran straight at me, in complete anger and panic, big eyed, naked, pale and really scary, asking me: where is it?? where did you put it???? and his hands locked around my neck. I tried to scream, I tried to talk. Tried to tell him I didnt have anything that belonged to him, but I couldnt get a sound out of my throat. He was furious, and I knew he didnt care about the contract anymore. He put his hands on me, and started to perform something. I was frozen in fear for his sick psycho desire to hurt me badly. I tried to pray, tried to fight him, but I could barely move.
He sort of looked like this;

Suddenly I heard: Lotte.. Lotte, are you ok?
I woke up with a shock, looking into the worried face of Ty.
My heart was almost beating out of my chest and I kept shaking.
I sort of told him the dream, while he was comforting me.
After a bit, we fell asleep again.
Some things in life may change
And some things
They stay the same
Like time, there’s always time
On my mind
So pass me by, I’ll be fine
Just give me time
Light up the night
By brighting the moon
My unplayed piano
Still holds a tune

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