I slept like a baby last night.
So deep and long, without anyone waking me up.
I just got downstairs, finding a note from my mom.
She’s at work and wants me to walk the dog.
I seriously thought it would be like 16:00, because it’s already getting dark, but it’s only 12:09. I guess the amount of grey clouds are just too much for the sun to shine a little light through it.
Last night, with all my failing plans, I decided to get over myself and join my mom behind the TV, to watch Muriels Wedding.
I have to say, I didn’t expect to love the movie so much. Though it’s an extreme comparisation, I recoqnize a lot of Muriel in myself. The drive of wanting to be happy, and thinking it’s about reaching your personal goals to become so. Besides that, I secretly love ABBA. When I was little, we always went to france in the summer. And in the 9 hour drive, we all got turns to pick CD’s. My mom always played ABBA. and I can letterly sing ever song along now. I loved the part where Muriel and her friend are laying in the grass, looking up at the stars singing ‘fernando’.
I don’t even have to describe the feeling coming from that song, cause it explains itself in its lyrics.
My mom and I were drinking wine, and laughing all the time.
As the wine kicked in, I confronted her.
I told her I was sorry for snapping at her the intire time, but that it had to do with the fact that I blame her for not treating me as a daughter, and not acting like a mother around me. That I was feeling hurt by the fact that she seems to love my older sisters, but not me. She listened, and told me that she knew I felt this way, and had tried to make me feel like she loved me too, but that how much she tried, I just wouldnt believe it. She sayd she loved me as much as my older sisters, but she never understands me and my way of looking at things, and stopped trying to be on the same page a while ago. We talked some more, and had an actual good conversation. We went on drinking wine, and watching the movie, while laughing a lot and talking some more.
Later, Ty came to pick me up. We went to his place to watch a movie, but both fell asleep on his bed. After a couple of hours, he drove me home to both get better sleep, cause he had to get up really early.
That night (last night) I dreamed about going into labor! Like what the..? I got two babies. A little boy and a little girl. They were really pretty. Darkhaired with light eyes. I took them home, and put them into bed, Thinking bout how my parents would respond. After a while, I suddenly realized that I had babies! And hadn’t fed them or looked after them for hours. They didn’t even had names. So I went upstairs, and took them down. I put them in the pocket of my jeans, and halfway the stairs, I thought: shoot. Maybe this walking down the stairs in this tight jeans will hurt them. So I took them out, and the boy was completely covered in blood. (he fitted in the palm of my hand like a fairy) I didn’t know what to do, and looked closer at them. Then I realized that they were both made out of kid clay.
I smelled them, to be sure, cause that clay has a special scent. But I didn’t smell anything. They weren’t real babies though. Not alive. Toys.
I threw them in the trash and went downstairs.
It was a really weird and sort of cruel dream!
I also dreamed about summer. I remember a huge swimmingpool. Me and my sister sliding down big slides, getting tans and lighting our hair into white by the sun (she’s also a natural high-blonde). I only remember little parts of that dream, but throughout it, I felt beautiful and happy, because of the summer.
I can’t stand this weather.
I miss the summer, the party’s, the sun and the happiness!
Some pictures to show you,
and remind myself:
Me and Mats
In Paris :)
Me and Raanya
Me and Marrie
Me and Anton
Marit and me
Daniël, Marit, Tim, Lotte and Addis